- 04.07.14
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[Photo: Reinhard Hunger for Fast Company]
What It's Like To Go A Month Without Complaining
Join us Tuesday, March 10th at 11 a.m. for a live Q&A with the creators of the Complaint Restraint Project, Thierry Blancpain and Pieter Pelgrims.
We love to complain. In fact, according to research, we complain about once a minute during an average conversation. But all of that whining comes with a cost. When we complain, our brains release stress hormones that harm neural connections in areas used for problem solving and other cognitive functions.
In an attempt to help us curb our complaining habit, Thierry Blancpain and Pieter Pelgrims created The Complaint/Restraint project with the ambitious goal of creating a more positive life by eliminating negative statements. Their project challenges people to give up complaining for the month of February.
But is it really possible to go a month without complaining? What technically constitutions a complaint anyways? Join us for a live Q&A with the creators of the Complaint/Restraint project, Thierry Blancpain and Pieter Pelgrims, to find out what life without complaining is like. The event begins Tuesday, March 7 at 11 a.m., but you can get your questions or comments in now using the “make a comment” box below.
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Hi, I'm Kathleen Davis, the editor of the Leadership section of Fastcompy.com. We're ready to get started in a few minutes. Today we are talking to the creators of the Complaint Restraint Project, Thierry Blancpain and Pieter Pelgrims.
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Their project was what sparked this story about going a month without complaining.
What It's Like To Go Without Complaining For A Month
Fast CompanyHow different would your life be if you cut complaining out of it altogether? Is it even possible? -
First things first – why do you think we love complaining so much?
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First, hi! Happy to be here. Personally I complain to vent a little, to seemingly get rid of small frustrations. And of course to bond with people – who doesn’t love to complain together about the horrible weather?
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I'm not really sure why we complain, I think it's much easier to complain than it is to have a positive outlook on life. And I guess you can sort of reach a common ground by complaining with other people over stuff like the weather?
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That's true! Research has shown that we complain on average once a minute in conversation and some experts argue that complaining is part of evolution, guarding against things that might harm us. Others say that it’s the easiest way to build friendships – bonding over something negative. Do you think that complaining can be a good thing?
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Yeah – for sure! I love complaining – that’s probably why we came up with Complaint Restraint in the first place ;)
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Here's the research on how often we complain:http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/04/your-money/the-satisfaction-and-annoyance-of-complaining.html
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But as with everything, complaining is great in moderation. I think the tendency of our current "share every moment with everyone around you" culture has to do with more and more complaining coming to our ears, and so restraining myself from complaining for a month, once a year, helps me keep that tendency in check.
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That's actually quite a lot! I think complaining, as in venting, works to get stuff off your chest. I love how the girl in the article started doing hot yoga, I thought that was really great.
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I have to agree with Thierry, it really helps to keep that tendency in check and it reminds me to spend more time with people who are positive rather than people who are downers and drain my energy.
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What is the Complaint Restraint Project and what was the catalyst for starting it?
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Complaint Restraint was the new name we gave a yearly project that Pieter and I had been doing for four years already – trying to keep complaining to a minimum in February. Because we started it for ourselves, and never intended to make this a larger thing for other people to participate, the origins are a bit fuzzy – but I’d wager the guess that it had to do with either Pieter or me complaining too much at some point ;)
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Personally, I always aim to just become a more positive person and also to communicate more mindfully – and that’s usually the effect not complaining in February now has on me. It has become a bit of a routine after a few years now, where we know that it’s entirely possible to go through February with much less complaining, but we also know that we will slip up a few times.
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Personally I hope this helps me to be a person people actually want to hang out with, to make me less of a cynic. In a way I just alter my sentences and communicate them in a different way so it sounds less like a complaint but it still communicates the feeling I want to get off my chest. I totally agree with Thierry here.
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In a broader sense, I’m really amazed by the number of people who signed up for Complaint Restraint, and the huge number of people who have read, discussed, and shared the Fast Company article by Jessica Hullinger. It’s a bit humbling to see how a simple idea like this can make so many people stop for a moment and think for themselves – how do I see the world and communicate it with the people around me? And if they end up embarking on a month of less complaining, then that makes me really quite happy.
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Do you keep it up with it past February? Or when the month is over do you go back to complaining?
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Well, I'm having a major slip up this week. I'm putting together a metal cabinet, but the metal is really soft and it bends, it is driving me insane. I guess putting together (ikea?) furniture is a universal thing to complain about.
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Each year, Pieter and I have this moment on March 1st where we both exhale loudly and complain for about five minutes, for fun. And then, I think, we go on with a more refined sense of how we can see things in our lives.
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In the end, Complaint Restraint always makes me realize that we’re all quite fortunate with our lives, the fact that we can even occupy ourselves with things like complaining less. Which means that my life is quite great, and that I should communicate accordingly with the people around me – throughout the year, not just in February. But I allow for more slip-ups during the rest of the year, I think.
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Doing it once a year, intensely, actually helps in the rest of the year. You're more conscious about your complaints and the way you communicate. For me, it does wear off near the end of the year, haha.
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Isn’t February kind of the worst month to do this–in much of the world it is cold and dark. Wouldn’t it be easier to stop complaining in June? Why February?
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We used to do it in November, the weather is even worse than in February.
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1,000 people signed up to participate in last month’s challenge – how did they do? Have you heard any stories of soaring successes or spectacular failures?
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One person wrote us about how she moved across the country in February, and how hard it’s been to keep up Complaint Restraint while having to deal with all the usual horrors of moving. But in the end, she was thankful for having a focus point to use her energy more usefully than to complain about a ding in the furniture from the move here, or the bad weather in her new city – and instead focus on the good stuff in life.
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Honestly, I have a ton of respect for that feat – I’m not sure I could do that myself! She also wrote that she’d try to keep up the not complaining for the rest of the year. I’m super happy to hear that we were able to touch people’s life in this way.
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If you stop complaining, wouldn't your frustrations build up to the point of explosion? I've tried this one or twice and it usually doesn't end well. Maybe I'm doing something wrong?
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I think the article put that very nicely: "Turn complaints into solutions" – it’s all about how you phrase things, and that then also changes how you see things in life, at least for myself. When you meet your friends on Friday evening, and they ask how your week was – you could complain about your boss, or you could tell a story about how you had a great date night with your partner on Tuesday. So it’s a mix of what stories we tell each other, and how we tell them.
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I was in this crowded club in Brussels a while ago and I really, profoundly, hate it when people bump into me and don't apologize e.g. say "pardon me" or "excuse me" while they're actually standing on your foot, but I just turned a switch in my head and my mindset became more or less this: I'm happy, I'm happy to be here, the people in here are fantastic, I'm here with my best friends and the music is great! Step on my feet all you want, I'm not going to be affected by it, I'm going to enjoy this party.
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I tried my own no complaining challenge a few years ago and not only did I only last about two days but I found it hard to recognize what was a complaint and what wasn’t – is “it’s really cold today” a complaint?
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Pieter and I always kept that pretty common sense – so it depends on your intentions. If you state something and add to the conversation, it’s great. If it’s just to vent, maybe not so much. "I wish I had put on a sweater, it’s so cold! I’ll do so tomorrow" is a possible way to rephrase that and add a solution.
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Or rather turn it into a question and actually ask other people to help out: "Can somebody spare me his sweater, scarf or ..."
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Yeah – in the end this project is all about how you see the world, and how you communicate that to the people around you. And: how most things in life have a negative and a positive side to them.
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Does not complaining impact productivity for better, worse, or not at all?
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So Pieter and I actually work together quite often – and with that in mind, it definitely helps because we’re both in a "let’s get this done" mode. That’s great, and with this year’s response to Complaint Restraint, I also noticed that it would be great to get whole teams of people to commit to the challenge.
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I guess we both got a bit better at conflict management or dealing with certain kinds of problems.
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Rephrasing something helps a lot to defuse a situation, the atmosphere becomes much better as well and you get to solutions. Complaining doesn't get anything done really.
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Since complaining is such a foundation of conversation and friendship how do you manage to not complain when someone you are talking to is complaining? Or how do you shut down a person who is always complaining?
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I usually use phrases like "But hey, look at the bright side – you can get so much done and have so much fun with your friends during a blizzard!" or such. And I also noticed that explaining to my friends why I’m so positive helps, to tell them about Complaint Restraint, and then they already know why I’m not adding to their complaints.
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The first year we tried to not complain in February, I didn’t really tell a lot of people around me – and I think that lead to a lot of confusion. As in: why the hell is Thierry so positive about everything?
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I recently read something about this and the article more or less advised to acknowledge the problem but to not encourage further complaining. Sentences like "Yes, I hear you" etc.
Some people I call out on being downers, sorry friends! -
Do you think venting can be helpful?
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Sure! It can help us bond with friends, forge a feeling of togetherness in all kinds of social situations, and of course: it can help you let off some steam. But as always: only in moderation. It can easily become a drag on your relationships and your own view of your life, if you let it take over too much.
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I guess you can word it so it doesn't sound like you're nagging but actually venting? The point of this project can't be to shut up for a whole month and eventually explode cause you can't vent your feelings.
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We are almost out of time. Any tips for people who want to try this out or try a smaller version of cutting out complaints?
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Any period of time is great – try it for a week and see how it fits!
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Regarding tips, staying aware of the challenge is a good way to get started – depending on your life, that might be a post-it note on your bathroom mirror or at your workspace. And of course get your friends and colleagues to join so that you can get external feedback about how you’re doing, too.
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I guess this applies to the question before this one as well, sometimes you just have to wonder: does this matter and if it doesn't, let it go.
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Thanks for joining us! I have no complaints on how this chat went!
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Thank you for having us! And that’s good ;) We’re happy to see so many people interested in reducing their complaints, and hope to make Complaint Restraint even more helpful next year, so that even more people can find ways to live more positively!
