What It Really Takes To Change Our Habits: A Discussion With Author Gretchen Rubin
Join us at 11 a.m. on Tuesday, March 17 for a live Q&A with New York Times best-selling author Gretchen Rubin to discuss how we can make real and lasting habit changes.
Many of us want to change our lives by getting rid of bad habits and adopting new habits. But changing something that is fundamental to our daily lives can be difficult.
To get insight into how we can make effective and lasting habit changes we’ll talk to Gretchen Rubin, the New York Times best-selling author of the new book Better Than Before: Mastering the Habits of Our Everyday Lives, about her research and experience in transforming everyday behaviors.
Join our live Q&A with best-selling author Gretchen Rubin at 11 a.m. ET on Tuesday March 17. And get your questions in now by using the "make a comment" box below.
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Hi, I'm Kathleen Davis, Leadership Editor at Fast Company. We're ready to get started in just a few minutes.
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Gretchen Rubin is the author of many books, including the New York Times bestsellers Happier at Home and The Happiness Project. Her books have sold more than a million copies worldwide, in more than thirty languages, and on her popular daily blog, gretchenrubin.com, she reports on her adventures in pursuit of habits and happiness. Rubin started her career in law, and was clerking for Justice Sandra Day O'Connor when she realized she wanted to be a writer.
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She’s joining us to talk about her new book, which comes out today, called Better Than Before: Mastering the Habits of Our Everyday Lives.
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You’ve made a name for yourself in writing about happiness, what made you want to explore habits and habit change?
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I'd been reading and writing and talking to people about happiness, and I realized that often when people faced a big happiness challenge, it was because of some HABIT that they couldn't make or break. They knew they'd be happier if they got more sleep, stopped procrastinating, etc., but somehow they just weren't able to put that knowledge into action. So I became very interested (obsessed?) with how people CAN change habits.
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Was there one habit you wanted to change when you set out to write this book? Or many habits?
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One thing I wanted to try was the habit of daily meditation. For a long time, I'd resisted meditation -- it just didn't appeal to me, although so many people recommended it. Finally I thought -- I should really give this a try, make it a habit, and find out what will happen.
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Meditation is something that we write about a lot and that a lot of successful people say they do. One of your early lines in the book is striking because it something that we write about frequently. You say: “ It’s easy to dream the if we copy the habits of productive, creative people, we’ll win similar success. But we each must cultivate habits that work for us.” Can different habits lead people to similar success?
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Or do all successful people have some similar habits?
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Here's an article about how to mediate even if you hate it:
Meditation Techniques For People Who Hate Meditation
Fast CompanyDon't have the time or patience for devoting 20 minutes a day to sitting still? You can still meditate with small moments of mindfulness. -
Absolutely! This is the KEY conclusion of my book. There is no magic, one-size-fits-all solution for habits. Some successful people stay up late, some go to bed early. Some drink coffee, some drink booze. Some work very long hours, others very short hours. You can point to a hugely successful person who had just about any set of habits you can think of. But here's the one thing that all those successful people have in common: they know the habits that work FOR THEM, and they make sure that that's how they live their lives. It would be great if we could copy Steve Jobs or Jane Austen, and know that it would work for us, but it doesn't work that way. We all have to think about OURSELVES--our own nature, our own values, our own circumstances.
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What’s the biggest misconception people have about the process of trying to change their habits?
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Probably that it takes 30 days to form a habit -- or 28, or 21. You hear various numbers! A study showed that habits formed "on average" in 66 days, but actually, that number is meaningless. Some habits form instantly, some resist for months and months.
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One of the big takeaways in your book is that in order to change our habits we have to first understand ourselves and what motivates us. Can you explain why that is and how we can start that process?
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It's key to know ourselves, but sometimes it's hard. In Better Than Before, I talk about the "Strategy of Distinctions," which helps people to understand how they might form habits differently from other people. Once we know ourselves, we can design our habits in the way that will help us to succeed.
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Also, I came up with a framework to help people understand their habit natures. This "Four Tendencies" framework divides people into four categories: Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels. Your Tendency will greatly influence the best way for you to form habits (or if you're trying to help someone else form a habit, knowing their Tendency can help you be more persuasive!) Here's a quick online quiz if you want to find out your own Tendency. More than 70,000 people have taken it.
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How does that inform how you go about changing your habits? Once you know you are a Questioner for example what does that mean for how you can build a new habit?
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Yes, if you know your Tendency, you'll have much better insight into how to form your habits in a way that sticks. For instance, Questioners need reasons, justifications--they hate anything arbitrary or irrational, they love information--they won't stick to a habit unless they really believe it's worthwhile. For Obligers, the key is EXTERNAL ACCOUNTABILITY. This is huge! So many Obligers have told me that this piece of information, as simple as it is, has helped them tremendously.
For instance, an Obliger might not be able to get to the gym on her own, but if she works out with a friend who'll be annoyed if she doesn't show; or a trainer who charges anyway; or takes a class where the teacher notices if she's absent; or goes running with a dog who's dying to go outside, that Obliger will have no trouble at all.
So the key for Obligers, if there's a habit they struggle with, is to create forms of external accountability. But for an Upholder like me, external accountability isn't essential--it might be helpful, but it's not essential. -
You cover 21 strategies for changing your habits -- that seems like a lot, how did you arrive at 21? Where can people get started?
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The 21 strategies are the ones I identified. I have to say, I expected to find 6 or 8! But as I kept researching, I kept identifying more, until every pattern I saw had been accounted for. 21 may seem like a lot -- people may feel overwhelmed at the thought of apply 21 -- but actually it's GOOD. There's a big variety from which to choose, so you can pick the ones that suit your nature and circumstances. I think for many people, seeing the strategies laid out makes them feel more hopeful; they think, "well, I've never tried this before, and it sounds promising!" I made Checklist for Habit Change, a sheet where you can enter the habit you want to change, and brainstorm how you might use the strategies to tackle it. It's a really useful tool, but probably you'd need to read the book to be able to use it.
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I’m interested in what you call the Strategy of Distraction, because it sounds so counterintuitive – aren’t distractions what keep us from getting things done?
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You're right: there are good distractions and bad distractions. Using distraction as a strategy involves mindfully turning our attention away from something. Say you don't want to pour yourself another glass of wine; or you don't want to turn on the TV. Instead of using your will-power to fight the impulse, you turn your attention to something else. Then you forget the temptation. People often assume that cravings intensify with time, but after 15 minutes, most fade. So if you can hold out for 15 minutes, you're making good progress.
Also, when we're agitated about something -- worked up, but not taking constructive action -- distractions helps to calm us, give us a sense of perspective, a sense of relief. If you're furious about something that happened at work that day, you might decide, "I'm going to watch an episode of The Office, to take my mind off it." You'd get relief. But you're right to point out that distraction needs to be deployed wisely! -
What was the result of your meditation experiment--were you able to make it a habit and if so, did you find it had positive results?
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Gretchen wrote about four more strategies in this Fast Company article
4 Strategies To Change Your Habits That Actually Work
Fast CompanyGretchen Rubin dug though the research on habit change to find what it really takes to make a fresh start. -
I was able to make the habit of meditation (I am an Upholder!), but I must say, I didn't find meditation to be a useful habit for me. I didn't see any benefit from it.
So then I had to unmake the habit! -
We have a reader who wants to know: Is it possible to drop a bad habit and start a good habit at that same time?
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As with most things to do with habits, it depends! You use the same strategies, whether the habit is good or bad, so that's not really the issue. (Good and bad habits are mirror images of each other: to stop procrastinating is to start work; to eat more healthfully is to quit sugar.) It does matter whether you prefer to start big or start small. Some people prefer to work on one habit at a time; others are more energized by big, bold changes. This is one of the "distinctions" I mentioned earlier. There's no right way or wrong way, just what works for YOU.
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You mentioned knowing someone else’s tendency if you want to help them change their habits, what about how people can influence you when you are trying to change your habits –what can you do about those outside influences?
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This is the Strategy of Other People -- we have tremendous influence over each other's habits. So you want to associate with people who are likely to rub off on you in a good way! And be very aware if you're around people who have habits that you don't want to pick up.
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Something that you mention in the book, The Strategy of Scheduling is something we write about a lot – can you explain what it is and why it’s important?
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Here's an excerpt from Better Than Before on the Strategy of Scheduling:
One Of The Most Important Strategies For Changing Your Habits
Fast CompanyIn an excerpt from her new book, best-selling author Gretchen Rubin explains how to schedule habit change into your daily routine. -
For most people (though not for Rebels), putting something on the schedule makes us far more likely to follow through. When we schedule something, we eliminate decision-making--we know exactly when and where something will take place. As we all know, something that can be done at any time is often done at no time! Putting something on the schedule makes certain that you get to it. "8:30--go to the gym" or "9-11--work on annual report" makes it easy to follow through. Key point: if you've scheduled work, when you're doing that task, do that task or NOTHING. Work, or stare out the window. No procrastisurfing, no desk-tidying, no emails, no phone calls. Work can be one of the most dangerous forms of procrastination. So schedule something specifically, and do that specific task. The more regularly you do it, the more it will become a habit.
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We have time for just one more question, So I have to ask about backsliding – what are some of the common reasons that people fail to keep up with their new habits?
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There are many reasons! One is that we haven't thought through what hurdles we may face in trying to keep a good habit. That's what the Strategy of Safeguards does -- helps us anticipate challenges, so we can handle them better. Another is that we're so great at coming up with justifications and excuses about why -- just this once -- we should let ourselves off the hook in keeping good habits.
The Strategy of Loophole-Spotting helps us to recognize these excuses, and perhaps reject them. A reason that I didn't understand for a long time was the issue related to the Strategy of Identity. Sometimes, to change a habit, we have to change our identity. Say you pride yourself on being a "workaholic." but now you want to make a habit of leaving work each night at 7. To change that habit, you have to grapple with your identity. -
If you do backslide, how do you get back on track?
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One thing is to remind yourself that "A stumble may prevent a fall." Try to learn from lapses, so that you avoid them next time. Some people assume that if they load themselves with reproach when they backslide, they'll do a better job sticking to the good habits. But no. People who show compassion towards themselves do a better job of getting back on track. Also, try to fail small, not big. You wasted one hour -- that doesn't mean that the whole day is wasted. We tend to self-regulate by day, and it can be helpful to divide the day into four parts, so if you blow "morning" you get back on track for "mid-day." A key thing is to do if-then planning: if X happens, then I will do Y. The more you anticipate possible challenges, the better prepared you'll be to handle them well.
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We are out of time. Thanks so much for joining us--there is so much to think about when it comes to changing our habits. Gretchen's book is on sale today (you can buy it here).
And you can read excerpts and articles by Gretchen here. -
Thanks so much for having me! I so enjoyed the chance to talk about habits with you.
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If you want more on habit change, check out our ongoing series about making habit changes, the New Habit Challenge:
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